This girl is stuck between two guys
Q I've been dating this girl for six months and recently learned that early in our dating, she slept with her
ex-fiance once. He calls her and text messages her repeatedly and wants the same thing. Ellie, he broke off the engagement three years ago and she says she'd like him to disappear but won't discourage his actions. I now have trust issues. I love her but don't want to have a relationship with both of them. I feel myself slipping away from her because of all of this. I suggested she seek counselling but she doesn't want it. I'm beginning to feel underappreciated and disrespected. Am I wrong for feeling this way?
- Bewildered in Chicago

A Trust your feelings, they're right on! The guy has a hold on her and she likes it that way. You were also right to suggest counselling since it's possible his rejection is what's got her clinging to his handouts. She may not want him back, but she doesn't want him to move too far away from her reach. That leaves you as the great guy she likes but isn't all jiggy about. Say, "No thanks," and move on. It might just shake her up enough to realize she's losing a good thing by hanging on to a bad one.

Q I'm a university student living with the same roommates I did last year, they're long time childhood friends. But we've grown apart. I'm a very social person, I've met many other friends here besides them. (They have not.) I haven't been happy with our living arrangements but felt stuck. I met girls who want me to move in with them next year, and I know I'll be a lot happier. I spend more time with those girls already. How do I tell my current roommates that I want to leave? I feel obligated to stay with them, as they don't have any other friends here. I don't want to lose the friendship altogether, but we're just so different and my happiness is at stake. Am I being selfish?
- Lost For Words in Oakville

A You have every right to move but think this through carefully before you finalize any plans. Too social a household can interfere greatly with getting through the hard work of university studies. If you see these other girls a lot now, what are you really missing? Is it possible to organize your time so you have social nights out and quiet nights set aside for essays, research, studying for exams? Once you've explored these questions, you still don't have to feel "stuck" in your current situation. These old friends are adults, and know you've grown in different ways. Talk to them; say how much you value their friendship. But since university years are meant for new experiences and personal growth, tell them you want to try some other living arrangement.

Q I've been going out with my boyfriend for three years, in a happy relationship. I'm close to my mom and stepdad but it kills me that my stepdad doesn't like my boyfriend. He always has a new excuse. He says he doesn't like the way he treats me, but I've never been mistreated.

What really bugs me is my mom and stepdad absolutely love my sister's boyfriend, which I'm happy about, but they're always praising him. Yet I can't even invite my boyfriend over to my parents' house for holidays. I feel they'll never accept him. What should I do to make life more bearable without causing stress between all parties?
- Who's Your Daddy!

A Keep assuring yourself and your parents that this is a happy and safe relationship. However, it seems to me that something is missing in all this, since your parents are so approving of the other boyfriend. And somehow, I think you may be able to guess yourself what that missing piece is. So be honest with yourself ... it may have to do with your age and how you've behaved in the past; or it may be something they know or feel about your boyfriend. It may be a prejudice, or a suspicion.

Once you know - and this is something you can say to them as you try to figure it out - then there's something to discuss or work on.

That's what families are supposed to do when there's a problem, and not just pretend they don't have an answer.

Tip of the Day: If an ex keeps shadowing your relationship, it may be your partner who's letting it happen.

Email: ellie@thestar.ca.
Fax: 416-814-2797. Web: www.ellie.ca.